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I never finished this. I'm not sure what I planned to do with it.

Talk Show with Cool Guest - skit

by Ron Kurtus (1971)

MC: ...and now our guest for tonight, that world renown soldier of fortune, adventurer, big time gambler, and author of the bestselling book - "Horticulture Can Be Fun", - Rod Rock!

(Applause)

(Enter Rod Rock; Waves to audience)

ROD: You forgot something, Dick.

MC: How's that?

ROD: I'm also known as one of the world's greatest lovers. I've taken out the top beauties of the world. In the Miss Universe contest alone, I made love to 8 of the top 10 finalists.

MC: Why only 8?

ROD: How much can a man do in one night?

My exploits in the field of love are well known to be copious and superb.

MC: Oh, you're pretty good out in the fields?

ROD: Huh? Oh, that's a joke. Yes. Ha, ha.

Beautiful women have fallen in love with me just after hearing my magnificent voice on the phone. Although I can't blame them, I find it a bloody nuisance, especially when I'm trying to make long distance phone calls. The telephone operators, you know.

I remember the time I was in Monaco, and I spotted this lovely beauty in a skimpy bikini walking down the roadside. I think she was carrying a large loaf of French bread or something. I told my chauffeur, Dax, to pull the Citroen over, and I leaned out the window and said to her, "Bonjour, baby. Parlez vous Anglais?"

I was asking her if she could speak English. I find that these foreign broads really go for English. It's such a romantic language.

So she answers me, "Sure, Mack. What's your problem?"

I give her a little small talk, and sure enough she's in the back seat with me...

MC: Ah... Mr. Rock... we're on television...

ROD: Oh yeah. I'll tone it down. So she got in the car with me, and you all know what happened.

MC: What about your chauffeur?

ROD: Dax? He didn’t mess with her

. In fact - this is funny - while I was in the back seat with this broad, Dax ate her French bread! Ha, ha, ha. What a character.

Then, when I was through with her, I kicked her out of the car, and we drove off. I don't want these broads to think I want to marry them or anything.

MC: How old was this girl?

ROD: Oh, she must have been at least - say - 12 or 13. MC: 12 or 13?!

ROD: Not much of a build, but a good-looker. That Monaco trip turned out to be quite a fiasco...

MC: Maybe we should change the subject to something other than your love life

ROD: Monaco was quite a fiasco. No, this doesn’t have anything to do about women. You see, I went down to Monaco to do a little gambling. I had learned a new system of how to win at the roulette table, while on an adventure for the CIA in Leningrad. I had been tailing this Russki for two weeks across the steppes of Siberia and the Ural Mountains, when he finally stopped in this co-op in Leningrad. When I walked in, he recognized me and said, "Dobre Dyen, tovarisch," which is their version of "Howdy partner."

So I replied, "Kak pashivietia," which means "Same to you, Charley."

He invited me to join him in a couple glasses of vodka, and before I knew it we started talking about gambling. He said that he had a number system that couldn’t lose. This really interested me, since I had just dropped a bundle in there a few weeks before. I'll never play that Keno again.

So after he explained the system to me, he asked if I wanted to try it out. I said that I was game, let's play some roulette. He brought out a pistol, and we started to play the Russian version of the game. You know, you've got one bullet in the gun and your spin the wheel?

Well, he laid down 5000 rubles, spun the wheel, and put the gun to his head. He pulled the trigger and it just went click.

So then, I laid down the same amount in American money – 25 cents - and following his system, I spun the wheel. But instead of putting the gun to my head, I aimed it at him, and pulled the trigger. Sure enough, I was a winner. Poor guy, though. I never did get a chance t o thank him.

MC: So then you went to Monaco?

ROD: Oh, you've heard this story?

MC: No I didn’t. Go on.

ROD:

?? I don’t know where the rest is or if I finished it.