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(NOTE: I was thinking of Carol Burnett and Harvey Korman when I wrote this skit, so the characters should be somewhat similar to those on "The Carol Burnett Show". Also, throw in a little of "The Bickerson's" for spice.)

One Happy Family - skit

by Ron Kurtus (1971)

CHARACTERS:

  • GEORGE BAER
  • SHIRLEY, his wife

GEORGE: (Coming in front door) Hon, I'm home.

SHIRLEY: (Hands on hips) George Baer. Do you know what time it is?

GEORGE: Sure. It must be 6:30 - quarter to 7.

SHIRLEY: It -- is -- exactly 6:57. Where have you been? It only takes, at the most 30 minutes to get here from the plant. Where have you been for the past hour?

GEORGE: Well, I just stopped for a couple of beers with some fellows from work.

SHIRLEY: Are you drunk again?! Here I work my fingers to the bone for you, and what thanks do I get? You come home stinking drunk. GEORGE: I only had two beers.

SHIRLEY: (Accusingly) Who were you with?

GEORGE: Oh, just a couple of the guys from work.

SHIRLEY: A likely story. (She walks around him, examining) Ah ha! A red hair on your lapel. Admit it, George! You were in that honky-tonk with some hussy. Probably a secretary from work.

GEORGE: I wasn't with any secretary.

SHIRLEY: You mean you picked her up there? You picked up some bar-fly red head? At least you could have more class than that, George. Mother always told me, "Shirley," shesaid, "Shirley, that man doesn't have any class." Oh, how could you do it, George?

GEORGE: I didn't have any girl at the bar! I was with Fred Long and Harry Plaza.

SHIRLEY: Then how do you account for that red hair on your lapel? Tell me George, how do you account for that red hair on your lapel? Did some cutie walk across the room, and the hair just flew off her head and landed on your lapel? Is it something as preposterous as that, George? Tell me.

GEORGE: MY HAIR IS RED!! IT CAME OFF MY HEAD!

SHIRLEY: You don't have to yell, George. I can see.

(George goes over to the couch and sits down. He angrily picks up the evening paper and starts to look at the headlines. Shirley is still standing and folds her arms.)

SHIRLEY: Didn't you forget something, George?

GEORGE: Huh?

SHIRLEY: You just came home from work. Didn't you forget something?

GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry.

(He gets up and goes over to his wife and tries to kiss her. But she pulls away from him.)

SHIRLEY: Sex fiend! Is that all you think of, is sex?

GEORGE: Well, I just came home from work. I thought you wanted me to give you a kiss.

SHIRLEY: Today is Friday. Payday. Give me the check.

(George starts to take the check out of his wallet.)

SHIRLEY: Besides, there's a time and a place for everything. You had your sex last week. (Shakes her head, disgustedly)

GEORGE: Whose turn is it this week?

SHIRLEY: What did you say?!

GEORGE: I said, "Why are you so anxious to get the check this week?"

SHIRLEY: Mother's coming to visit us. I have to buy a lot of groceries.

GEORGE: Whose mother? Yours or mine?

SHIRLEY: There is only one mother. Mine.

GEORGE: I can see why you have to buy a lot of groceries. That woman eats life a horse.

SHIRLY: George! Since Father died, Mother has been eating a little more to help her forget her grief.

GEORGE: For 10 years?!

SHIRLEY: Besides, it will be good for me to have someone around to help me with the housework. You never give me much of a hand.

GEORGE: What do you want me to do, take off a couple of hours from work to help you sweep the kitchen? Don't forget, I have to be

at that office 8 hours a day.

 (They both sit down on the couch.)

SHIRLEY: By the way, how was business today?

(As George starts to talk, Shirley picks up the paper and reads it. obviously not listening. She occasionally yawns, showing her boredom.)

GEORGE: (Looking forward) Well, the day started off with a bang. J.B. came in and said that the president of Cornway Metals was in his office. I went in and mediated the discussion, and we closed a $50 million deal. J.B. said later that he thought I had saved the company $5 million through my firm handling of the bargaining session. Later in the morning, I had to interview 15 young PhD’s, just out of college. I tell you, some of these kids are pretty sharp cookies. I had an hour debate with one of them on existentialism in the donut business. Quite stimulating, but unfortunately, I couldn't hire the boy, because he was too short. Later in the afternoon, I had to singlehandedly stave off a wildcat strike of the sanitation crew. They tried to plug up all the toilets with paper towels, but I promised that we would make arrangements for them to eat their lunch in the cafeteria instead of on the job, as they have been doing. (Turns towards Shirley) Otherwise it might have caused a stink, if you know what I mean. Ha, ha, ha. Other than that, it was a relatively mild day at work. How was your day, dear?

(Shirley puts down paper and yawns.)

SHIRLEY: Oh, are you through?

GEORGE: Uh huh.

SHIRLEY: Well, let me tell you what sort of day I had. I can tell you that it washectic. Are you listening, George?

GEORGE: Yes, dear.

SHIRLEY: First of all, I wanted to watch "Dear Hearts" on TV. You know, my favorite soap opera? Well, suddenly the TV went on the blinks again. You know how the-picture flip-flops over and over? You'd better bring it in to the repair shop tomorrow morning and rent another set until they fix ours. So I went over to Kathy's to watch her set, and who should be over there but Lynn Masterson. You remember her? Her husband is that big man who didn't like you? Well, I hadn't seen Lynn in ages, and I had so much to tell her. We talked - George, are you listening? - We talked for four straight hours. You can imagine how tired I was after that ordeal. Four straight hours. I had to take a nap when I got home. But on the way home, I noticed a rattle in the back of my car that has been driving me crazy. So I even made a note about it - it's on the dresser - to remind you to have it fixed tomorrow.

GEORGE: Yes, I'd better have the oil changed on the car, also.

SHIRLEY: George, don't interrupt. I'm talking.

GEORGE: Yes, I can see that.

SHIRLEY: So I didn't have time to fix supper, so tonight we'll eat out for a change. Should we go over to the Shepherd House?

GEORGE: No, we were there last night.

SHIRLEY: I could use some Mexican food. What about Luigi's?

GEORGE: But we ate there Tuesday night.

SHIRLEY: Oh, that's right. Well, where do you want to go?

GEORGE: I could suggest home, but that's out of the question. How about having a pizza over at Poncho Pedro's?

SHIRLEY: You know I hate pizza. Let's go somewhere I want to go for once. Let's go to... (Phone rings and Shirley answers it.)

SHIRLEY: Hello... Oh, hi. I haven't heard your voice in a long time. (Pause) That sounds swell. We were just planning on going out to eat. You must be a mind reader. Ha, ha, ha. (Pause) Is that right? She didn't! Oh, you'll have to tell me all about it. And George will be anxious to talk with your hubby. They get along so well. (Pause) OK, we'll be seeing you in about 10 minutes. Bye.

GEORGE: Who was that?

SHIRLEY: Ida and Bob want us over for supper.

GEORGE: Tonight?

SHIRLEY: Yes, right now. You know we always get a good meal when we go over to their place. Ida is going to order some barbecued chicken from Uncle Sanders. Mmm, that should be good.

GEORGE: And who's going to pay?

SHIRLEY: They'll pay their share, this time.

GEORGE: I certainly hope so.

SHIRLEY: Well, they were hard up the last time we were there. Don't forget that Bob was on strike.

GEORGE: For the third time in one year. They already had a 40% increase from the previous strikes. And I haven't had a raise in two years.

SHIRLEY: Maybe you're in the wrong profession.

GEORGE: Yes, I should have become a tire inspector, but they wouldn't hire me because I graduated from high school.

SHIRLEY: Besides, they've been short of cash lately, with payments on their swimming pool and new boat.

GEORGE: Why he bought that boat, I'll never know. How far can you go with a boat in your swimming pool?

SHIRLEY: It's a conversation piece.

GEORGE: Hon, let's not stay too long. OK?

SHIRLEY: But we can't be rude.

GEORGE: But, you know I hate Bob's guts.

SHIRLEY: Why should you have anything against Bob? He's a nice fellow.

GEORGE: First of all, he's always bragging how he almost made it to the Majors as a third baseman.

SHIRLEY: But he's proud of that.

GEORGE: Yes, but chissakes, I've heard that story a dozen times. I even know his batting averages for each year, by heart. And besides that, he's so prejudiced. He's always making those derogatory remarks about the Poles.

SHIRLEY: I think those Polish jokes are so funny. And they're true, too.

GEROGE: But I'm Polish!!

SHIRLEY: We can discuss this later. We’ve only got a couple of minutes to get over there. Let's take your car.

(They start to go out the front door)

GEORGE: But they only live two houses down...

(Exit)

END