Evening News - skit
by Ron Kurtus (1971)
ANNOUNCER: ... And now, tonight's news with Walter Bronchitis.
(Ashtray full of cigarette butts; just finishing a drag on his cigarette,
Bronchitis breaks into a hacking cough; blows away the smoke with his
hand and miserably tries to read the news from the papers on his desk.)
BRONCHITIS: News from the Western Front: all is quiet. The Kaiser's
troops have not left their trenches in three days...
(Throws paper away.)
What's this doing here? This is old news.
(Picks up another sheet of paper and reads.)
Ah, here's some news. (happily) Typhoon Mary has finally subsided
after ravishing across India for the past week. It is estimated that
2/3 of the population has been left homeless by this storm.
(Turning to off-stage)
How many people would that be, David? About 400 million?
(Back to audience)
That's about 400 million people left homeless, folks. Boy, that was
quite a dilly. (Takes drag from fag and hacks again.)
The President has cabled-that he will open the state of Mississippi
for the refugees of this disaster. Thus far, none of-the people have
taken up his offer. Now the latest from Hawaii:
WOMAN: (Enters with sheet of paper) The oil Slick that was reported
spreading from the Bay of Tokyo is estimated by scientist to wash onto
the Hawaiian shores on about December 7th. Navy officials consider
this report nonsense and plan to hold their Pearl Harbor Day festivities
as scheduled, even though the Japanese diplomats have left the area.
BRONCHITIS: Here’s a news release from Africa. Rhodesia has
declared war on their neighboring nations of Zambezi and Guinea. Rhodesia’s
Prime Minister announced that this was mainly a religious war. He was
invading Zambezi because their people were heathens and atheists and
would not convert. On the other hand, he was also invading Guinea because
they were religious fanatics, who kept sending their missionaries into
Well, that makes sense.
Because we believe in moderation, the United States has vowed to assist
the Rhodesians with weapons and military advisors numbering about
300,000. From Moscow, we have a report that the Russians will be sending
planes and missiles to Zambezi in order to protect their right to practice
atheism. They warn if any nation attempts an invasion, it could set
off World War III. Meanwhile, Peking has pledged to send 14 million
Red Books of Chairman Mao’s thoughts to the country of Guinea
to give them moral support to their religious cause. Along with each
book will be a Chinese soldier. Red China has made a statement that
if there is any fighting, it will be the start of World War IV. And
this note from Great Britain: if World War III and World War IV are
declared, England will go one-up on the whole bloody works and declare
World War V!
Leave it to those British and their dry sense of humor.
(Enter woman; Bronchitis coughs, and she waits until he is through;
he nods for her to start.)
WOMAN: On the lighter side of the news4ithere was a serious riot in
New York when youths from two different high schools clashed over the
outcome of a football game. The score: Green Bay Packers 27, Detroit
BRONCHITIS: (Dozing; suddenly wakens by the quiet.) Yes. Of course.
(Coughs) And now for our editorial comment of the evening: The ubiquitous
television audience and general viewing public has been plagued recently
by inane, obsequious, and vermicular programs. This effete buffoonery
and iniquitous rectitude is spoiling the rhetorical standards of our
youth and senatorial rostrums. To be sure. We at the network have firmly
pledged to be zealous in our attempt to reanimate the good programs,
the gentle zephyrs of intelligentsia, the cognizant visitations to
the cerebellum, and the ultimate in fine viewing. Thus, we have decided
to show re-runs of "Laugh-In" every week!
(Pause, a drag from the cig and the coughing.)
ANNOUNCER: The evening news has been brought to you by Kool-Air Cigarettes.
When the air starts to get cool, have a Kool-Air.
4 + minuets