Super-Lib - skit
by Ron Kurtus (25 Dec 71)
(NOTE: This is an obvious take-off on Superman, except with a twist.)
CHARACTERS:
- ANNOUNCER
- LOTTIE LANE
- KENT CLARK
ANNOUNCER: ...faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look, up in the sky!
(Pointing)
It's a bird; it's a plane...
(Blotch in eye; wipe away.)
It's a bird.
(Lottie Lane enters)
ANNOUNCER (con't): ...working for a major newspaper in metropolitan Santa Barbara, is the mild mannered secretary, Lottie Lane.
LOTTIE: I'm mild mannered.
ANNOUNCER: Unbeknownst to her fellow employees, Miss Lane is actually that protector of women's rights and enforcer of the pursuit of liberty, justice... and a successful career: Super-Lib!
LOTTIE: (Sneaky smile) Heh, heh, heh.
ANNOUNCER: Miss Lane is doing her morning straightening up before her boss, the famous crime-reporter Kent Clark, comes into the office.
(Lottie is dusting and straightening papers on the desk. She is humming to herself. Enter Kent Clark, holding his aching head.)
KENT: Ohh, ohhh! (In pain)
LOTTIE: Good morning Mr. Clark.
KENT: (Sitting) Ohh, ohhh! (Pause) Alka-Seltzer. (Pause) Quick!
LOTTIE: Yes, Mr. Clark.
(She goes out and brings back a glass. She loudly places it in front of him. Clunk!)
KENT: Ohhhh! Please, Miss Lane. (Shakily drinks.)
LOTTIE: Sorry, Mr. Clark.
(Smiles to audience - it serves him right.)
KENT: Oh, that's better. What a night.
LOTTIE: Were you out last night, Mr. Clark?
KENT: (Coming out of it) You bet I was, honey. Met the famous private investigator, Mr Keen, and we went out for a dozen or so martinis. I tell you, he wasnt too keen by the end of the night. Ha, ha, ha.
(Lottie politely laughs.)
KENT: For a while we talked about our famous crime-fighting cases, but soon the conversation turned to women, so we decided to hit a couple of topless bars on Cota Street (in Santa Barbara).
LOTTIE: (Shakes her head in disgust.) Really, Mr. Clark.
KENT: (Teasing) You should have been along, toots. Well, let's get to work, now. Why don't you take a letter?
(Lottie gets a pad and paper and sits on chair near desk.)
KENT: "Dear Sir..."
LOTTIE: Who is this letter to?
KENT: Oh, yes. It's to ... it's to... now who the hell was I going to send this letter to? You know, Miss Lane, I often envy you. All you have to do is to write down what I say, while I have to do all the hard work. I have to think.
LOTTIE: This isnt a bad job for a woman with a Master's degree. KENT: Oh hang the letter! We'll do it later, when my head is cleared up. (Looking about room) Mmm, I see you've straightened things up nicely, Miss Lane.
LOTTIE: Thank you, sir.
KENT: Well, women always were neater than men. That's why they're so suitable to housecleaning chores. Now, let's see... what was the case I was working on last night?
LOTTIE: "The case of the missing corpse," Mr. Clark.
KENT: Oh, yes. And I came to the conclusion that... I came to the conclusion that... all...
LOTTIE: You came to the conclusion that, since the corpse was missing, the criminal must be missing also.
KENT: Very good: Make a note of that, Miss Lane.
(Phone rings)
KENT: Hello... Oh, hello Chief. Yes, Chief. Right away. Yes, Chief. I'll be hot on their tails in a few minutes. Of course, Chief. Those criminals won't get away, this time. OK. Bye Chief.
LOTTIE: Was that the Chief?
KENT: (Looks at her, then looks at the audience in disbelief, then looks back at Lottie; says sarcastically) No. It was the good-humor man. Who else would call me on the hot-line phone?
(Starts hastily gathering up the files on his desk; muttering)
KENT: I've got enough troubles without your stupid questions. Women never did have any sense, anyway. All these responsibilities. Now another case. All this pressure... (Pause)
(Lottie just looks on with contempt.)
KENT: I tell you Miss Lane, there are times when I'd gladly trade places with you secretaries. You just don't have the pressure of these deadlines to work under.
LOTTIE: Well, I guess it is a strain, but I wouldnt mind it. It would be a challenge.
KENT: Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going, like when I get two, three stories to do at once. By the way, did you finish typing up my stories on the Cromwell case?
LOTTIE: Yes. I finished it yesterday and gave it to the Chief. KENT: And the Wellington Case? I hope you made all the corrections in spelling and punctuation too.
LOTTIE: I finished that this morning, before you came in. I had to make a few corrections, like changing the first six paragraphs. But I think it'll meet the approval of the Chief.
KENT: Good girl. I think we'll put you up for a raise. I'll see if they can boost your wages to $85 per week.
LOTTIE: (False enthusiasm) Oh! I don't know what I'll do with all that money!
KENT: (Ho hum) I know you'll spend the extra money foolishly on some hat or something. Women always do that. You're lucky women don't need to make as much money as a man. I can barely get by on my 250 a week.
LOTTIE: (Catty) Yes, with all those booze bills.
KENT: Huh?
(Phone rings)
KENT: Hello... Yes, Chief. I was just ready to go out and solve that case.
(Listens)
Oh? He did?
(Covering phone and talking to Lottie)
Jimmy Larson, boy reporter, caught the crooks.
(Back to phone)
Well, that's great, Chief. He was getting an ice cream cone, and he noticed that the good-humor men were the criminals in disguise. Well, I guess that the joke was on them. Ha, ha, ha.
(Lottie gives an “Oh boy” look)
Right, Chief. 'Bye. -- Oh! Chief!
(Hangs up phone; to Lottie)
Darn. I wanted to ask him about your raise. Well, next time I see him.
LOTTIE: Yes. (Nods and smiles)
KENT: (Sitting on edge of desk, sly grin, and beckoning) Say, Lottie.
LOTTIE: (Coming over to him.) Yes, Mr. Clark.
KENT: You can call me Kent.
(Puts hand on her butt; she looks back there.)
You know, Lottie, since I'm going to be giving you a raise...
LOTTIE: Yes?
KENT: I thought that since I'm being nice to you...
LOTTIE: Yes, Mr. Clark - I mean -yes, Kent.
KENT: I thought, you'd be nice to me.
(Pats)
LOTTIE: (Coyly) Are you trying to make a pass at me?
KENT: Well, that was the general idea.
LOTTIE: With little old me?
KENT: We could go out for a few drinks for lunch, and then...
LOTTIE: (Pushing him away; angry) And then what?! I've had enough of your sexist oppression!
(Runs out to behind screen. Kent is taken back by her sudden action. Then clothes come flying from behind screen. Lottie comes out from behind screen dressed in leotards and a cape. She is holding a large-sized DDD-cup brat which she symbolically casts on the floor.)
LOTTIE: This is a job for Super-Lib!!
(Kent goes over and picks up bra, looks at it and compares with her shape.)
KENT: You must be kidding.
LOTTIE: Liberation from the sexist bondage of you chauvinistic males! Equality for women! Free us from your oppression!
(She is marching around the room.)
Better pay for women! Careers!
KENT: Lottie, have you flipped your wig?
LOTTIE: I am now Super-Lib, protector of women's rights! We will no longer be manipulated by you chauvinistic males.
KENT: (Befuddled) What in the world are you talking about?
LOTTIE: (Pointing finger at him.) We're tired of being second class citizens. We want the right to have careers, too. We're not just sex objects. We're tired of always playing the patsy for you men, while you have the challenge of exciting careers. We're tired of waiting at home, until the man decides to call to ask for a date. Now, we're the aggressor!
(She grabs Kent and kisses him, patting his rear.)
KENT: (To audience) I needed that.
(To Lottie) I needed that to transform me into my true self.
(Starts ripping off his shirt; underneath is a lavender outfit.)
KENT: For I'm not really Kent Clark, tough mean crime-reporter, but Super-Softy, the weak-willed mama's boy.
LOTTIE: (Covers mouth in surprise) Oh!
KENT: I'm tired of all this responsibility. I'm tired of having to always call up girls to get a date. I'm tired of playing this role of masculinity.
LOTTIE: (Pleased) Oh!
KENT: I just want to stay home and take care of the kids, while my wife is out earning a living for us.
LOTTIE: (Flirting, as Mae West) Hey, big boy. You want to step out for lunch and a few drinks?
KENT: (Shyly) Well, I don't know...
LOTTIE: Come on, baby, let's take off.
(She takes his arms and they fly off stage.)
END.
