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Human nature humor

Employment Agency - skit

by Ron Kurtus (27 Aug 71)

(Woman is at desk; Very efficient looking; Interviewer at State Unemployment office. Man is off-stage. He is sort of a wishy-washy guy.)

WOMAN: (calling out) Mr. Peters. (pause) Mr. Peters.

MAN: (enters meekly) I'm Mr. Peters.

WOMAN: You're next, Mr. Peters. Please sit down.

MAN: (sits on chair next to desk) I'm supposed to see Mrs. Crumall.

WOMAN: Yes. Mrs. Crumall isn't in today. I'm Miss Jones. I'm taking her place today.

MAN: But I always have Mrs. Crumall. She's always handled my case.

WOMAN: Yes. Mrs. Crumall isn't in. I'm taking her place today.

MAN: But I always have Mrs Crumall. She's familiar with my situation. Will she be in tomorrow?

WOMAN: I'm not sure when Mrs Crumall will be back. But in the meantime, I will be handling all her cases. Now, we only have a short time...

MAN: (disappointed) Oh. Well, I really.mas expecting to see Mrs. Crumall.

WOMAN: (curtly) Well, she isn't in. (looking at his file) Now, Mr Peters, according to these files…

MAN: What was your name?

WOMAN: Miss Jones. Now, Mr Peters, according to these files... you have been looking for work for 15 weeks now. Is that correct?

MAN: Well, if you count this week. But it really wasn't 15 weeks...

WOMAN: Oh?

MAN:...no, you see I was sick for a week about a month ago and I wasn't really able to look for...

WOMAN: Yes, of course. So you have been out of work for approximately 15 weeks, (looks up for acknowledgement) and you haven't been able to find any type of work at all. Correct?

MAN: Well... ah huh.

WOMAN: Now, did you look for work this week?

MAN: Well, I went to a few places, but they had signs saying that they weren't hiring, so I just didn't...

WOMAN: Did you fill out any application forms?

MAN: Not .really, because you see the signs ...

WOMAN: Yes. Now it says here that you are looking for employment as a salesman, assembler, or a scientist.

MAN: Uh huh.

WOMAN: Scientist? Are you qualified for such a position?

MAN: Well... not really. But you see I always liked science, and I couldn't think of nothing to put down for the third choice, so I thought what the heck, if I get a job like that it would be real swell.

WOMAN: (sarcastic) Swell.

MAN: But I haven't really gotten any chances as a scientist yet. Most of the jobs are for salesman.

WOMAN: Of course. And what had happened on these interviews for the sales jobs?

MAN: Somebody else always got the job.

WOMAN: Well that's too bad. I don't know what we're going to do about your situation. There is an opening for an assembler at the Woodbury factory, but it says here in your files that you already applied there but were turned down.

MAN: Woodbury. Yeah, I applied there, and I thought for sure I would get the job, but they said they couldn't hire me because I was a little late for the interview.

WOMAN: A little late?

MAN: Yes. I forgot when the interview was supposed to be, so I came two days late.

WOMAN: (disbelieving) Two -- days -- late?

MAN: It wasn't 'my fault. I just forgot.

WOMAN: Of course. (aside) I think this is another welfare case.

MAN: Huh?

WOMAN: Nothing. Mmmm, now your unemployment insurance isn't going to be lasting too much longer because you didn't work very long on your last job.

MAN: Four months.

WOMAN: Yes. So I'd like to get you a job, so you and your family won't have to starve when your unemployment runs out?

MAN: Family?

WOMAN: (looking into file) Yes, you are married aren't you? Of course, here it is: "Married? Yes. Children? Three."

MAN: Oh, I'm not married. I'm a bachelor.

WOMAN: You're not married?

MAN: No, I'm a bachelor. I thought that meant if I wanted to get married. So I put yes. And I'd like to have three kids too. For a while I thought that four would be nice, but then with all this ecology stuff going around, T thought that I'd better cut that down to three. Of course, a lot depends on the girl too. Ha, ha, ha.

WOMAN: (disbelieving) You're – not - married?

MAN: No. I thought that meant if I wanted to get married.

WOMAN: (revelation) You’re not married?! (Complete change of attitude)

MAN: No. Ha, ha.

WOMAN: And you'd like to be?

MAN: I sure would.

WOMAN: And you'd like to have a large family?

MAN: Yep. I like kids.

WOMAN: I'll bet you'd make a good father.

MAN: I'd treat 'em right. And I'd love my wife.

WOMAN: Why that's very nice... Mr Peters. Very nice.

MAN: Thank you, Miss Jones.

WOMAN: You can call me Mary.

MAN: OK - Mary. I'm Bob.

WOMAN: Hi Bob.

MAN: Hi Mary.

(both giggle)

MAN: But there's only one problem,

WOMAN: Problem?

MAN: Yes, there's one big problem I got, and it's that I'm not working. I couldn't get married if I wasn't working.

WOMAN: Well, that isn't such a problem.

MAN: It's a serious problem. How could I support a wife if I wasn't working?

WOMAN: Well… she could work while you're looking for a job. That way you could make ends meet.

MAN: But most girls don't have good jobs. Not something that they could support two people on, that's for sure.

WOMAN: I don't know about that, Bob. Some girls have very good jobs. You should keep your eyes open for a girl like that.

MAN: Naw. Most of them don't have good jobs. They just don’t pay the girls enough.

WOMAN: I get pretty good money on my job. I get the same as the men do. MAN: Oh, you do?

WOMAN: Yes. If I was married, I could easily support a family.

MAN: I never thought of that, Mary.

WOMAN: Yes, I get good money working here.

(A moment of silence)

WOMAN: (aside) Peters. That's a nice name. Mmm. Mary Peters. Mmm.

MAN: (aside) She makes good money on this job. Mmm. Enough to support a family. Mmm.

WOMAN: Bob, what sort of things do you do when...

(at same time)

MAN: Mary, how did you get your job in the first...

(both chuckle and nod to other)

WOMAN: What sort of things do you do when...

(at same time)

MAN: How did you get your job in the first..

WOMAN: Go ahead.

MAN: No. No, you go ahead.

WOMAN: No, go on.

MAN: No, ladies first.

WOMAN: OK. You're such a gentleman. What sort of things do you like to do in your spare time? You know, when you're not looking for a job?

MAN: Oh, I like to bowl.

WOMAN: Ohhh. You're the athletic type? I like to bowl too.

MAN: But since I haven’t been working, I can't go bowling too often.

WOMAN: That's too bad. But it's more fun when you bowl with a partner.

MAN: I guess so. I suppose when I get a job, I can start bowling again. Maybe I'll get in some sort of league, also. I'll need to bowl regularly to get my average up again.

WOMAN: I know. You have to do that. I bowl in the State Unemployment Insurance league. I'm not a regular, since my average is so low. It's only 122.

MAN: Mine's 110.

WOMAN: Oh! I mean mine's only 102. But I bowled 122 once. We should go bowling together sometime. That would be fun, wouldn't it?

MAN: I guess.

WOMAN: Oh here, I'm tallying about myself so much, and you wanted to say something.

MAN: Huh?

WOMAN: Weren't you going to ask me something?

MAN: Oh yeah. I was wondering, how did you get your job?

WOMAN: Well, I applied for it and took the test...

MAN: There's a test?

WOMAN: Yes. And I got a high enough score so that they hired me.

MAN: Anybody could take that test?

WOMAN: Yes, it's posted when they hold the testing. Did you say that you wanted to go bowling some time? Since I'm making good money, I'll treat.

MAN: Gee that's swell of you, but I don't know.

WOMAN: You don't know?

MAN: Not that I wouldn't want to go with you. You're a nice looking girl and everything...

WOMAN: (flattered) Thank you.

MAN: ... but I'm not sure if it would be right.

WOMAN: You don't have to worry about the money. I've got a good job. And when you get a job, then you can support me - I mean - then you can pay the way.

MAN: That isn't what I'm worried about.. You... you see, I don't think my fiancée would like me to go out with another girl.

WOMAN: (Shocked) Fiancée? You're engaged?

MAN: Yes, and since I don't have a job, we haven’t gotten married. But now you gave me the wonderful idea about her getting a good job. So that's why I was wondering if she could get a job here.

WOMAN: (Calling out) Next! Mr. Roberson, please! Next!