The Competitors - skit
by Ron Kurtus (9 Aug 71)
(Mary is sitting alone in her apartment, watching the TV. There is
a knock on the door.)
MARY: Coming. (She opens the door.)
JEFF: Hi Mary!
MARY: Oh, Jeff. What a pleasant surprise.
JEFF: Yeah, I just thought I'd drop over. You doing anything?
MARY: No. Come on in. I was just watching television.
JEFF: The old boob-tube, hey? Ha, ha, ha. Anything good on?
(Both sit down on couch.)
MARY: No, just some old movie.
(Both look at the TV few several moments)
JEFF: Well, what's new?
MARY: Oh, not much. What's new with you?
JEFF: Oh, not much. I got a letter from my brother in Vietnam. He's
going to be coming home soon.
MARY: Oh, that's wonderful.
JEFF: Yeah, it'll be good to see the kid back home.
MARY: Were you ever in the Army, Jeff?
JEFF: Me? Heck no. (Moves near her and puts arm around her) I'm a
lover, not a fighter.
MARY: How come?
JEFF: How come, what? How come I'm a lover? It's just your beautiful
eyes. (Moves to kiss her)
MARY: (Avoiding kiss) No, how come you werent in the Army?
JEFF: Just lucky I guess. I'm 4-F.
JEFF: Yeah, I got flat feet. But let's not talk about me. Let's talk
about you - and your beautiful blue eyes.
(Moves in on her again.)
MARY: How come your brother doesnt have flat feet?
JEFF: (He kisses her) What?
MARY: How come your brother... (He kisses her again.)
JEFF: Why don't we turn down some of these lights?
(He starts to get up, but she grabs his arm)
MARY: Say, look at that.
(They both stare at the TV for a while.)
JEFF: Yeah. Well, let's turn these lights down a little.
MARY: No, wait Jeff. I want to see how this ends.
JEFF: (with resignation) OK.
(They sit watching for a short time)
JEFF: Say, excuse me, Mary. I have to go to the bathroom.
MARY: Sure. It's right over there. (Points)
(knock on the door)
MARY: Coming. (She opens door)
BILL: Hey, Mary. What do ya say?
(Note: Bill is more groovy than Jeff)
MARY: Oh, Bill. What a pleasant surprise.
BILL: Yeah, I just thought I'd drop over. You doing anything?
MARY: No. Come on in. I was just watching television.
BILL: The old boob-tube, hey? Ha, ha, ha. Anything good on?
(Both sit on the couch)
MARY: No, just some old movie. Although it is getting sort of interesting.
BILL: (he moves in fast) Hey, baby. Just like the drive-in, eh?
MARY: (she sort of pulls back) What have you been doing lately, Bill?
BILL: Oh, not much. Just thinking of your beautiful eyes. How about
a little kiss for ol' Bill?
MARY: Have you found a job yet?
BILL: (cooling off) Heck, I still have a month to go on my unemployment.
There's no hurry. Besides, I'm a lover, not a worker.
MARY: Hmm. I seem to have heard a similar phrase, recently.
MARY: Oh, never mind. What else is new?
BILL: Not too much,-:Say, let's turn these lights down a little and
watch this movie.
(Bill gets up and goes to the lamp. At this instance Jeff comes out
of the bathroom - finally!! They both stop in their tracks and stare
at each other.)
MARY: Oh! Ah - Jeff, this is Bill.
MARY: Yes. He's a good friend of mine.
BILL: I didnt know you had company.
MARY: Well, ah - Jeff came a couple of minutes before you did. I didnt
have a chance to tell you.
BILL: Oh. Well, pleased to meet you, Jeff.
JEFF: And nice to meet you, Bill.
(They meet at the center of the room to shake hands. Instead of a
friendly hand shake, they start to grip and squeeze. Both finally go
down to their knees, before they break the grip. While they are doing
this, they are talking.)
BILL: Really nice to meet you, Jeff.
JEFF: It's - my - pleasure - Bill.
BILL: Swell - of - you - to - drop - by.
JEFF: Oh - are - you - leaving - soon?
(Break grip and then flex sore hand)
BILL: Mary and I were just going to watch some TV.
JEFF: Yes, Mary wanted me to watch this movie with her.
(Bill sits on one side of Mary, Jeff on the other side.)
BILL: Oh! I always like the acting of Richard Chamberlin.
JEFF: That shows how much you know. That's Mike Connors.
MARY: You're both wrong. It happens to be Sidney Poitier!
BILL: Well, they always play the same type of roles.
JEFF: Yeah, Connors and Pointier look so much alike that you could
have fooled me.
BILL: That wouldnt be hard to do.
JEFF: I wouldnt talk, birdbrain.
MARY: Please! Please be quiet. I'm trying to hear what they are saying.
JEFF: Here, I'll adjust the volume. (On knees by set) Is that better?
MARY: Yes, that's fine.
BILL: Well, now the electrical engineer screwed up the picture. I'll
go and fix it.
MARY: That really isn't...
BILL: (On his knees by set) How's that?
JEFF: I can't see. You're in the way.
MARY: It's just fine. Let's watch the show.
(Both boys try to put his arm around Mary at the same time. There
is a general tangle. Finally, Jeff gets his arm around her first. So
Bill puts his arm on top and pulls Mary toward him. Then Jeff gives
a pull towards him. Mary is pulled back and forth between the two fellows,
until she finally gets disgusted and stands up.)
MARY: Whoa! Hold it a minute! What do you think I am - some sort of
JEFF: I'm sorry, Mary, but I just wanted to protect you from that
animal over there.
BILL: Protect? You couldnt protect yourself out of a paper bag. (To
Mary) I know he was a little rough on you, Mary, but what can you expect
from such an uncouth character?
JEFF: What do you know about manners, you slicked down little weasel?
BILL: A lot more than you, you bug-eyed worm.
MARY: Stop! Please stop! You boys are giving me a headache. (Hands
JEFF: Just sit down and relax, dear. I'll get you an aspirin. That'll
stop the pain.
BILL: Just sit down and relax, dear. I'll rub your temples. That'll
stop the pain.
(Mary sits down and Bill sits next to her and starts to rub her temples.
She then looks up at Jeff, who is still standing there.)
MARY: I thought you were going to get an aspirin from the bathroom.
JEFF: And leave you alone with him? Oh, no. I want to keep an eye
on this guy.
BILL: Hoping to learn something, buddy?
JEFF: Very funny. Tell me another one, while you're leaving.
MARY: I'll go get my own aspirin.
(She goes to bathroom)
BILL: Fine gentleman you are.
JEFF: But you notice that she wanted an aspirin - not your clammy
hands on her head.
BILL: At least I'm not afraid to touch her, you sissified fairy.
JEFF: Who's calling who a fairy? With that skinny build of yours,
I wonder if you were a man or a broomstick?
BILL: I may be thin, but I've got more strength in my little finger
than you have in your whole bloated body.
JEFF: Ha! That's a laugh. You probably can't even do a push-up.
BILL: I'll match you any day.
(Both get down on the floor and start counting off push-ups in unison)
BILL ansd JEFF: One. ..two...three...
(Mary comes out of the bathroom, puts her hands on her hips, and stares
MARY: What in the name of...?
BILL and JEFF: ...four...five...six...
(There is knock on door. Mary goes over to answer. The boys stop,
but are in a position ready to do another push-up.)
HARVEY: Hi kitten. I just got a new motorcycle. You want to go for
a buzz? MARY: Oh, I'd love to!
(Harvey looks in and see the two fellows on the floor. He gives an
MARY: (to boys) When you leave, be sure to lock the door.
(Exit Mary and Harvey. The boys just lay there.)