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House Painters - skit

by Ron Kurtus (4 Aug 71)

(Fred and Jake have contracted to paint a house. Fred is acting as the foreman and Jake as his helper.)

HOME OWNER: (to Jake) I'd like you to paint the house here white, and leave the shutters green. I think that's a good combination, don't you?

JAKE: The house is yellow, now.

HOME OWNER: Yes. But I thought it'd look better white.

FRED: Say, what a minute.

HOME OWNER: Yes?

Fred: I'm the foreman here. He's just my helper. He doesn’t know anything. Now, what is it that you want?

HOME OWNER: Oh, I'm sorry.

FRED: That's quite alright. Anyone could have made the mistake. I'm the foreman and he's my helper.

JAKE: I'm the helper.

HOME OWNER: Yes.

FRED: Now, what is it that you want? You want the house painted?

HOME OWNER: Yes. You are painters, aren’t you?

FRED: We're painters alright. See that equipment on the truck? Ladders, paintbrushes, the works. All painting equipment. We're painters alright. I'm the foreman and he's my helper.

JAKE: That's right.

HOME OWNER: Yes. Fine. I'd like you to paint the house here white, and leave the shutters green. I think that's a good combination, don't you?

FRED: The house is yellow now.

HOME OWNER: Well, paint it white and leave the shutters green. Do you think you can handle that?

FRED: Can we handle it?!

JAKE: Can we?

FRED: Of course we can handle it. We're painters. See that equipment on the truck...?

HOME OWNER: Let's not get into that again. Just do the job. OK?

FRED: Right.

JAKE: Right.

(HOME OWNER exits.)

FRED: Now let's get to work. Get that equipment off the truck. Then we'll set things up and start painting this house. We've got to have at least one good job under our belts to use as a reference. We certainly can't use that last place.

JAKE: What was wrong? We did a good job of painting.

FRED: But who told you to paint the windows?

JAKE: Well, he said to paint the whole house.

FRED: I'm the foreman. And you're the helper. You listen to me; not some other guy. Now, let's get to work.

JAKE: But what about our break?

FRED: What break?

JAKE: We've been here half an hour. It's time for our first break.

FRED: You know, that's right. I never noticed how the time's been flying.

JAKE: It's been going by fast, too.

FRED: But I don't think it would look good to take a break before we even get started, so I'll tell you what we can do: we'll work another half an hour and then we'll take two breaks together.

JAKE: Oh boy, an hour and a half of breaks!

FRED: In the mean time, we'd better get to work. You go unload the equipment off the truck. I'm going to make some calculations.

(JAKE goes off and FRED puts hands on hips and stares at house.)

FRED: Hmm, Hmmm.

(JAKE comes back with two paintbrushes and a small can of paint. FRED is Still rubbing his chin and pondering the house.)

JAKE: Here's the stuff. Got everything figured out?

FRED: Huh? Oh, sure. Say, what color did that guy want the house painted? It's yellow now. Did he want the whole thing painted yellow?

JAKE: He said something about the shutters.

FRED: Yeah. They're green. Maybe he wanted the whole house painted green. That must be it. Paint the whole house green, like the shutters. Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

JAKE: Yeah, that sounds pretty good. Where do we start first?

FRED: You dummy! Don't you know anything? How long have you been it painter?

JAKE: Well, I ah... I don't ah...

FRED: How long have you been a painter? How many houses have you painter before?

JAKE: Well, just one. That last one we did.

FRED: OK. And where did we start first?

JAKE: I remember.

FRED: Well, I’m waiting.

JAKE: Don't you remember?

FRED: Of course, I remember! We started on the bottom. That's where we started. Then we work out way up to the top.

(Note: not complete)