The Vacation - skit
by Ron Kurtus (9 Jul 71)
(Husband and wife are sitting on the couch in the living room, reading the evening paper.)
HUSBAND: Say, dear. (Putting down paper)
WIFE: Yes? (Still reading paper)
HUSBAND: I've been thinking.
WIFE: Well, that's something new in itself.
HUSBAND: Don't get smart.
WIFE: I'll never have to worry about that with you.
HUSBAND: Do you want to hear what I have to say, or don't you?
WIFE: (Putting down paper) OK, I'm all ears.
HUSBAND: I could say something to get back at you. But I won't. Well anyway, I was thinking about our vacation this year...
WIFE: Yes, I've got everything planned for our trip down south.
HUSBAND: Now hear me out. Well, I've been thinking that maybe we should have a change this year.
WIFE: A change?
HUSBAND: Yes. I was thinking that we should have a change.
WIFE: Oh. You mean like fly down there, instead of taking the car.
HUSBAND: I had something quite a bit different in mind.
WIFE: You mean take a bus?
HUSBAND: You're not even warm. What I was thinking is: why don't we go up north on our vacation this year?
WIFE: North?
HUSBAND: Yes. It would be a change.
WIFE: Up north, instead of down south:
HUSBAND: Uh huh. It would be nice to go up north for once. It would be a nice change.
WIFE: But we've always gone down south.
HUSBAND: That's what I mean: it would be a nice change. We could go up north, instead of down south. Something different for once.
WIFE:. Something different? Where do you get these hair brained ideas? We've always gone down south. It's nice down there. We have a nice time there. Why do you always want to change things?
HUSBAND: I've got same good ideas how we can have a terrific time up north. It would be good to do something different for once, instead of that same old routine. And besides, it's about time that we went somewhere that I wanted to go.
WIFE: Yes, and the last time we went where you wanted to go, I was laid up in bed for a week.
HUSBAND: (Smiling and reflecting) Yeah, And that was one hell of a honeymoon.
WIFE: I meant the time after that! When I got the poison ivy.
HUSBAND: Well, who told you to pick all those plants
WIFE: I thought they'd go nice with the flowers I had in the vase on the table.
HUSBAND: Stupid. And you weren't supposed to pick those wild flowers either. There are laws against that. Besides, it was a good thing that you had to stay in bed. Otherwise you probably would have burned down the log cabin with your carelessness.
WIFE: Two weeks in a log cabin! Some vacation!
HUSBAND: Well, you never were the outdoors type. Where do you like to go? To some fancy motel? So, big deal. There's nothing to it.
WIFE: Oh ho! The big man of the world! Well, why do you always have to embarrass me when we go to a nice place?
HUSBAND: What embarrass? When?
WIFE: Like the time you swam nude in the pool?
HUSBAND: So my swim trunks fell off after I made a high-dive. That could happen to anybody. I put them back on.
WIFE: Sure you did. But did you have to take three more dives until you finally put them back on?
HUSBAND: They were on the bottom of the pool, and I was diving for them.
WIFE: And what about that time we were in that plush hotel, and you shook hands with the bellboy?
HUSBAND: What the hell, he was such a friendly guy, and he put out his hand, so I thought he wanted to shake.
WIFE: He wanted a tip!
HUSBAND: What for? Just showing us to the room and opening the window? Besides, I thought those guys were in the union, and that's how they got paid.
WIFE: (Disgusted) Really well-bred.
HUSBAND: Well, you're not so smart, yourself. Who was the one who got lost for three hours, trying to find her way back from the outhouse?
WIFE: I never was good at following trails.
HUSBAND: I say we go up north, where the air is fresh and clean.
WIFE: And I say we go down south, where the sun is warm and relaxing. I don't call going to an outhouse, breathing fresh air.
HUSBAND: You're not supposed to breathe when you're in the outhouse! Besides, if it will make you feel any better, they have new facilities in most of the places now.... There's no sense discussing it any more. We're going up north for vacation. (He angrily picks up the newspaper and starts to read.)
WIFE: I know there's no sense talking about it any more. We're going down south for vacation! (She picks up her paper and starts to read.)
(They both read in silence for a few minutes.)
HUSBAND: Mmm. That's interesting. There's a sale on mink coats.
(Silence)
WIFE: So?
HUSBAND: Oh, nothing. Just something interesting.
(Silence)
HUSBAND: (Looks at her) I was just thinking.
WIFE: What?
HUSBAND: If we could save some money somewhere this year, we might be able to swing a new coat for you.
WIFE: (She quickly turns to him, and her eyes light up.) Really?
HUSBAND: Yeah, I think we could do it. Just have to save a little money somewhere. Maybe we could cut out some unnecessary expenses.
WIFE: Well, where do you think we could save the money?
HUSBAND: I thought we'd save a lot by not going to any expensive motels this summer on our vacation. Maybe get a nice cheap cabin up north or something like that.
WIFE: Oh.
HUSBAND: It was just a thought.
(Both go back to reading the paper. After a short while the wife gets up and walks across the room with an exaggerated hip swing. He looks at her incredulously. She goes over to the thermostat on the wall and then returns to the couch.)
HUSBAND: What the hell has gotten into you?
WIFE: Oh, I just wanted to check the heat in the room. It seemed a little warm to me.
HUSBAND: Feels OK to me.
WIFE: Well, it just felt a little warm. And you know how I feel when it gets too warm...
HUSBAND: No. How?
WIFE: Grrr. So sexy!
HUSBAND: (Interested) Is that right? Since when?
(She gets up and sways over to the thermostat again. He follows her exaggerated movements with intensity)
WIFE: It still feels a little too warm in here. Sometimes when I'm in the sun for a while... I just can't control myself.
(She falls seductively back onto the couch.)
HUSBAND: (Getting aroused) Warm weather does that to you?
WIFE: (Sexy) Ohh, yes.
HUSBAND: How come I never knew about this before?
WIFE: Cold showers. I always took cold showers before.... But, I think this year, when that warm southern sun heats me up, I'm just going to grab the closest man to me... preferably you, dear.
HUSBAND: The southern sun gets you all passionate, hey?
(Starting to catch on to her ploy.)
WIFE: Oh yes. Whenever I'm down south.
HUSBAND: Oh.
WIFE: Yes.
(Both return to their papers. Several moments of silence. They are thinking.)
WIFE: Dear?
HUSBAND: Yes.
WIFE: I was thinking. You know, we could save a lot of money if we just rented a cabin up north.
HUSBAND: That's possible.
WIFE: And that would provide for a down payment on a new mink coat, wouldn't it?
HUSBAND: But then again, I was just thinking that there's an awful lot of poison ivy up north. Maybe it would be wiser to go down south as we have before. Besides, I want to lie in that warm sun this year.
WIFE: The sun is nice, but think of the saving and all the fun we can have up north.
HUSBAND: But we've always gone down south.
WIFE: Well, we need a change for once. I say we go up north this year.
HUSBAND: Why always t o where you want to go? I think we can have a better time down south. It's warmer there.
WIFE: We need a change. And to save some money too! You never think of me! All you want to do is…
HUSBAND: Wait a minute.
WIFE: I want to go up north!
HUSBAND: Cool down a minute! Hold it!
WIFE: What?
HUSBAND: I think we can compromise here.
WIFE: What do you mean?
HUSBAND: Now this is my idea.
WIFE: (Pouting) It better be good.
HUSBAND: Now hear me out. Why don't we have a real change this year and not go anywhere. We'll get a sunlamp and just stay home save some money too.
WIFE: (Excited) Oh, that's a wonderful idea. You're so smart, dear. (She cuddles up to him on the couch.) And I'll get my coat?
HUSBAND: Uh huh.
(She firmly kisses him on the cheek.)
HUSBAND: (After a slight pause) Say hon. Do you mind if I turn up the heat 10 or 15 degrees?
END
8 min +
