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Car Salesman - skit

by Ron Kurtus (19 May 1971)

MAN: (on telephone, talking in a whining voice) It happened again dear! Yes, it happened again - that doggone car just conked out in the middle of the street. I'm so mad, I don't know what I'm doing. What do you think I should do?

(pause)

Well, I don't know. Maybe I'll give it another chance. It's only conked out five times since I bought it yesterday. Maybe it'll be ok.

(pause - he is listening to her talk and nodding his head)

Yes. Uh huh.

Yes dear, I agree - it is a lemon. Yes. But I don't know - that seems sort of harsh. Do you really think I should take the car back to the lot, after all, it's only been five times since I bought it yesterday.

(pause)

Yes, dear. I will. I'll tell him off. (voice gets stronger) I'll tell him that he can't pull a fast one on me. Yes-sir-reel I'll tell him.

(Man walks from phone booth to other part of stage which is the used car lot. Used car salesman is leaning against a car, reading the sports page).

MAN: (standing there for a while) Ahem. Ahem.

SALESMAN: (putting paper down) Sorry pal! Got so engrossed in the race results, I didn’t hear you sneak up.

(Salesman is a rapid speaker, the high pressure type)

What are you wearing - sneakers. ha ha ha.

MAN: You're just the man I'm looking for.

SALESMAN: (not recognizing yesterdays customer) Well, you came to the right place. Yes sir, Happy Harry's is always the happiest place to buy your A-1 used car. We give you the tops in service at rock bottom prices. Hap-py Harry here at your service, my fine man. What sort of car are you interested in?

MAN: Well, you see... (meekly)

SALESMAN: Come right over here. I've got just the number you've been looking for. A snappy convertible. Isn’t she a beauty?

MAN: Why, yes. But...

SALESMAN: Don't worry about the price. We'll let you have it for a song. Look at that interior. Real imitation leather. And listen to that engine. I'll bet you've never heard an engine that quiet.

MAN: I can't even hear it.

SALESMAN: And it even sounds better when it's running. Yes sir, this one's a real honey. Owned by a man who had three cars. Can you imagine - he had three cars. Almost had enough for his own lot. ha ha ha. Get it?

Man; Well...

SALESMAN: So he only drove the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays. A real low mileage beauty.

MAN: Why there's only eight miles on the speedometer.

SALESMAN: Yes, I took the car for a little ride this afternoon. Picked up a couple of cuties at lunchtime.

(nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

MAN: (a little exasperated) Well, I didn’t really come here for that...

SALESMAN: (interrupting) Oh, you're married. Well, don't let it get you down. Been through that hassle a couple times myself. But you know...

(examining man carefully - up and down)

you know, you look like the executive type.

MAN: I do?

SALESMAN: (pleased that he hit the right spot) Yes, you do. You must be some sort of big shot at work.

MAN: (embarrassed) Well, not really.

SALESMAN: And I've got just the car for you. An executive limousine. Take a look at this beauty.

MAN: Yes, it's nice but...

SALESMAN: Get in and sit behind the wheel. Now doesn’t that make you feel in the lap of luxury? By the way - what was your name?

MAN: Honestly, I'm not...

SALESMAN: Honestly. That's a nice name. Well Mr. Honestly, I'm going to give you this car at a bargain price. I know a man of your stature isn’t concerned about money, but I'll put this car on discount just because I like your looks. And with a name like that you must be an OK guy.

MAN: Just a minute! I want to talk about my car over there.

SALESMAN: Oh, you've got a car for a trade in? Where is it? I'll see what I can do for you.

MAN: No, I want to talk about my car over there. (points)

SALESMAN: Oh, that job. Well, from the looks of it, it seems in pretty bad shape. We don't usually handle junkers, but for you - the best I can offer is $50.

MAN: $50! I paid $850 for it yesterday.

SALESMAN: That's how it goes with that model - fast depreciation.

MAN: (Finally getting angry) Listen you fast talking crook! I bought that car from you yesterday for $850, and it has conked out on
me five times since then. I want my money back!

SALESMAN: Sure pal.

MAN: Don't try to tell me that you don't take cars back. I'll take this to court! I'll sue! I'll sue! I’ll... (pause) Sure?

Sale: Sure, pal. (speaking softly) No sweat.

MAN: You mean you'll take it back?

SALESMAN: Sure.

MAN: And give me my money back?

SALESMAN: That's right.

MAN: All $850?

SALESMAN: You're absolutely right. $850.

MAN: Well I'm sorry I lost my temper.

SALESMAN: That's perfectly all right. I know how you executives are constantly under tension. (building up again) And besides, I wouldn’t want you to be driving that old clunker. Think of your image.

MAN: Image?

SALESMAN: Yes image. A man of your stature should be seen in only the best automobiles. Now take this executive limousine. It is your type of motor car. Now for only $850 down you can be riding (fade out) in the lap of luxury...