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Safety in Automobiles - satire skit

by Ron Kurtus (22 Jan 1971)

(Note: I didn't consider this very good.)

Ralph Nader's book "Unsafe at Any Speed" brought the American public to recognize the serious problems we have with our automobiles. Namely, they are not made to withstand high speed collisions and insure the saftty of the driver
or occupants. In fact, a recent study showed that a small compact car was effectively destroyed when hit by two semi's, travelling in opposite directions. This shows how flimsy the autos are being made these days.

In order to probe deeper into this subject we interiviewed an expert in the field, automobile safety engineer, Harold Fluke.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Fluke, what makes you an expert in the field of automobile safety? In other words, what are your qualifications?

FLUKE: Well, you see its this way. I went to college. Yes, I graduated from college with a degree in automobile—safety engineering. Now this qualifies me to be an automobile—safety engineer. But there arehundreds of them around the country.
that really qualifies me is that I have been witness to more automobile accidents than any other man in the country. That's what qualifies me to be an expert in the field.

INTERVIEWER: In other words, you research departlent has simulated these automobile accidents, you have witnesses them, and then you took the pertinant data, which you later transformed into the design of an safer automobile?

FLUKE: No. I'm a lousy driver.

INTERVIEWER: well, what about this automobile you have designed whiOh is supposed to be accident-proof?

FLUKE: Yes, of course. Now it is a well known fact that a great number of fatalities come from the driver meeting the windshield with a high velocity, after the car has suddenly been halted by an immovable object. Thus, in our car we propose to have the driver face the other direction so that the back of his seat is facing the windshield.

INTERVIEWER: But, how would he see, in order to drive?

FLUKE: You ask good questions bucky. But I've come prepared. We use mirrors. Yes mirrors. We've eliminated the rear-view mirror, because he obviously will not need one now that he his facing the other direction.

Do you understand so far? Good. And in its place we put what our scientists call a "front-view mirror". The principle is very simple. It is thinking of the applications that makes for genius. A second, and even more profound application of an old invention, will be to use a cowcatcher in the front of the car.

INTERVIEWER: What for, to catch cows? ha ha.

FLUKE: Did you come here to joke or to gain knowledge and information?

INTERVIEWER: Sorry.

FLUKE: The cowcatcher, we dont call it that on the auto, will be used to divert any movable objects the car may collide with. I have one on my car in order to test the concept, and it worked very well, especially with bicycles and small animals.