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The Loving Bandit

by Ron Kurtus (20 Jan 1971)

NOTE: This is my take-off on the Socialized Medicine skit

(Myrtle is an old spinster who lived in a tenement flat on East 5th St. She has just received the evening Times and is reading the front page story.)

MYRTLE: (Reading aloud) “Loving Bandit Strikes Again.”

(Aside) Oh my gosh, what next?

(Reading aloud) “Last night, another defenseless- woman was robbed, while alone in her apartment. The thief, popularly known as the Loving Bandit, because of his habit of making love to his victims after he has robbed them blind, struck again in the midtown apartment area. This time the culprit got away with over $1500 from Miss Emma Short, who said that she had saved a long time to get that much money. The long and the short of it was that after he took her money, the wicked man, popularly known as the Loving Bandit, proceeded to (continued page 5)."

(Myrtle quickly turns to page 5)

"...make love to Miss Short. When Captain Certain of the vice squad asked Miss Short, 'How did he do this wicked crime?' all she could answer was, 'Passionately'."

(Aside) Oh my gosh, what next?

(Continue reading) "The description given by Miss Short closely corresponded with that given by the other victims: He was average height, average build, and was very passionate."

(Aside) Oh my gosh, what next?

(Continue reading) “They all also added that he had beautiful blue eyes. 'That’s the same man.' retorted Capt. Certain. 'I am quite certain that this is the same man who has been terrorizing women throughout the city. His wicked crimes must be stopped!'"

(Myrtle puts down the paper, in a state of shock)

MYRTLE: Oh my gosh, what next? Isn’t it safe for a woman to walk the streets at night anymore?

(She reads on) "The standard operation of the Loving Bandit, as he is popularly known, is to pose as a door-to-door salesman. Once he gets inside, there is no telling what he will do. This newspaper urges extreme caution to women living alone to beware of door-to-door salesmen answering the description of the Loving Bandit.”

(Myrtle gets up and bolts the door to her apartment, before finishing the newspaper.)

* * *

(Meanwhile, Hilmer Manson had just had another door slammed in his face)

HILMER: Darn: Another door slammed in my face.

(Hilmer was a poor, henpecked husband whose wife's habit of consuming box after box of chocolate covered cherries had forced him to take a second job, selling vacuum cleaners in order to make ends meet. His daytime job, as an inspector in a toothpick factory, did not require Hilmer to come into contact with the public, so this new sales job he had acquired often made him feel uneasy.)

HILMER: Oh well, I might as well try one more and then call it a night. 50 doors slammed in my face tonight, and not one sale. I don't know how I'll be able to afford that candy for Sweetie-pie.

(Knock, knock, knock.)

MYRTLE: (suspiciously) Who's there?

HILMER: Hilmer Manson here, from the Speedy-Needy Vacuum Cleaner Company.

MYRTLE: A salesman?

HILMER: Yes, ma'am. Hilmer Manson here, from the Speedy-Needy Vacuum Cleaner Company.

(Myrtle opened the door a little)

MYRTLE: You don't look like Manson.

HILMER: No relation ma'am. My name is Hilmer Manson, from the Speedy-Needy...

MYRTLE: Yes, yes. I heard that. What do you want?

HILMER: I'd like to come in and show you my stuff.

MYRTLE: Mmmm. I guess it won't do no harm.

(Hilmer comes in and they both sit down on the sofa.)

HILMER: You might say that I've come to clean up. Ha ha.

MYRTLE: Well, I don't have much money.

HILMER: That's ok. I can just take a small payment now and we can settle things later.

MYRTLE: Later?

HILMER: Yes, provided you were satisfied, I would come back several times to collect. But there wouldn't be any charge for my services. If you have any doubts that you wouldn't be satisfied, I have a list of testimonies from women wWho were very pleased with the operation of the equipment.

MYRTLE: Yes, I've heard some.

(Myrtle shifted closer to Hilmer on the soda.)

MYRTLE: You know, I've just noticed your eyes.

HILMER: Oh you noticed? Yes, I just got these contact lenses last week. They're alot better than wearing those glasses.

(Hilmer took out his vacuum cleaner catalog and started to page through it).

HILMER: Now what sort of model did you have in mind?

(Mrytle moved closer yet and cuddled next to tiilmer)

MYRTLE: Is this part of your technique?

HILMER: Well, I guess I could give you a sample demonstration. It is getting a little warm in here.

MYRTLE: I heard you're passionate.

HILMER: Passing it? Oh, was the model you were interested in on the last page?

MYRTLE: You just wait here. I'll go slip into something more comfortable.

HILMER: Oo—kay. I'll start to get my equipment out.

(Myrtle quickly runs into the bedroom. Meanwhile Hilmer takes out a small vacuum cleaner from his sample case. He is quite pleased with himself at his salemanship. Then Myrtle comes out of the bedroom, wearing nothing but a sheer negligee.)

HILMER: Oh, my gosh, what next?

(He grabs his vacuum cleaner and runs out.)

The End