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Lily Tomlin Monologue - "Exclusive Men's Club Calls Ernestine"

by Ron Kurtus (September 1974)

(Ernestine answers phone at switchboard)

A gracious good morning from your Telephone Company. This is liberated Miss Tomlin at your service. How may I be of assistance to you, if that is the nature of this said call?

(Listens)

You wish to change the number on your instrument? And what number do you have now?

(Listens)

Ah huh. Well, why do you want to change it?

(Listens)

This number seems fine to me. You're not superstitious are you? (Chuckle, snort, snort)

(Listens)

It's because you've been getting some crank calls? Well, you must have an old phone then, (chuckle, snort) -- you know, with a crank? (snort) That's a little "in" joke we always like to pull around Alexander Graham Bell's birthday. You know, to keep in the spirit of things?

 I may mention to you that we still have some new models of the old crank phone available at only a slight service charge every week for as long as you own the phone, which of course would be for the rest of your life, since they're non-returnable. Would this be of interest to you?

(Listens)

Yes, of course - the complaint. Now, whom may I record is making the complaint on these alleged crank calls?

(Listens)

 Oh! Is this the Exclusive Men's Club? This is the club that doesn't allow – if I am correct in my recollection - women of any shape, size, or form into your premises?

(Listens)

What sort of crank calls have you been receiving?

(Listens)

Calls from some Women's Liberation nuts and they accused you of being chauvinists. My, my, my. Isn't that something? What some people will do. (snort, snort)

Well, here at the Telephone Company, we try to satisfy all of our customers, no matter what their beliefs, prejudices, or perversions may be. I will send a service man to your club to change your phone to a new number. It will be an unlisted number - at a slight extra charge per call - so then you can avoid any random calls from troublemakers.

(Listens)

I am glad to be of service. Thank you.

(Ernestine then plugs into another line on the switchboard)

Hello, Phonecia? We're changing the number of the Men's Club to get a little extra dough out of them. Notify the girls of the new number. I think we're finally getting under their skin.

END